Never eat alone

Today, for the first time in a while, I had two of my meals with friends (not family or coworkers). Over the past month or so, my focus on eating healthily has meant many meals by myself, so today's unusualness reminded me of the "never eat alone" principle.

Never Eat Alone is actually the title of a classic book on networking by Keith Ferrazzi. It's radical advice (and in my opinion not to be taken literally) but I think the underlying philosophy is worth understanding. Nurturing our most important relationships is critical for a fulfilling life, and in my experience, one-on-one meals are the best way to do this.

Think about the people you meet on a regular basis. How many of your friends do you meet every week? Every month? Once a quarter, or once a year? I'm almost certain that the more frequently you've met them, the stronger your relationship with them is. (This also highlights why work relationships tend to be strong - sometimes unreasonably so.)

Most people are good with catching up with their best friend every 1-2 weeks, and their close friends every 1-2 months. What some of us may neglect to do is to meet more distant people in our network once a quarter or at least once a year, or to reach out to interesting new people we've met and commit to building such relationships through more frequent meetings.

In today's post, I'll share some advice on connecting with these "once a quarter" friends and newly met acquaintances.

Be deliberate with your social schedule

Let's do some math with the following assumptions: we have one best friend whom we meet once a week and 4-5 close friends whom we meet once a month, and we devote one extended social meeting per day (usually lunch or coffee, or the occasional dinner) with non-coworkers/family.

The above means that two meals per week will be with our best friend or close friends, leaving five meals with others. If we commit to quarterly catchups with everyone else, we would be able to have meals with about 60 different people each quarter. If our cadence is annual catchups, then we would be able to have meals with about 250 different people per year. In practice, it'll be a mixture of the two, but these numbers are the approximate lower and upper bounds of how many people we can keep in touch with through physical meetings. Adjust accordingly if you are willing to meet more than one person per day on average (I'm not).

The people you reach out to for quarterly or annual catch ups could be old friends, former/potential business associates, or people you recently met. The hard part, at least for me, is to remember to schedule such meetings because we may not think of these people as part of our regular routines.

Reach out before you need anything

Most people are turned off by "networking with intent". The key to avoiding this is to genuinely reach out to people for no reason other than to catch up about your mutual updates and recent projects. If you do this at least once a year, it won't be awkward when you actually need a favor later.

A corollary to this principle is to "reach out if they need something". Many people post on social media about problems they're having. Volunteer your support to those in your network who are facing a challenge, and don't keep score. Chat with them about their goals, refer them for job opportunities, and offer your perspective on their ideas.

Ask for directions

It could be intimidating or awkward with new acquaintances. When meeting someone for the first or second time, I've found it useful to have a mindset of asking for directions. Usually, I'm working on some project or planning to work on one, and asking for advice/feedback has been a great way of breaking the ice and gaining new perspectives.

This actually reminds me of the classic advice for someone who asks, "How can I get others to be interested in me?" (The answer is "Be interesting!") Talking excitedly about something we're truly passionate about is one of the best ways to be interesting.

Follow up

Relationships die on the vine if not nurtured. For new acquaintances or recently re-established friendships, it's critical to schedule a follow-up second meeting at an appropriate time (ideally within 2-3 months of the prior meeting).

For example, I recently met up with a friend whom I hadn't seen in over two years (mostly due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the recent birth of my daughter, and the recent birth of his son). At the end of our lunch, he specifically said, "Let's schedule our next meeting to keep our friendship alive." I deliberately made a note on my to-do list to reach out to him, with an alarm set for this October.