On friendships (both real and fake)

Today, I came across a video from Justin Kan on building quality friendships as an adult. I think his advice is solid, so in this post I’ll share a summary of the video and my own reflections on the topic of friendships.

Be open

We tend to have a lot of distrust for people we don’t know, but the counterintuitive insight is that people in general are decent. Not only that, but basically everyone has interesting experiences/stories to share. Each new relationship is an opportunity to learn, if we just ask questions and listen.

Justin describes his change in mindset from having a shield up all the time to assuming that “every stranger is just a friend that we don’t know yet.” To act on this principle, we should keep an open mind and really try to learn about the people we meet. Genuine curiosity in others is the best way to form an instant bond with them.

Personally, I used to be socially awkward and tended to be very bad at carrying on conversations with people. However, the nature of my professional work rewards me for learning as much as I can about others, so over the years, I’ve gotten to be quite good at asking questions that inspire thoughtful responses.

For example, we might ask some version of “so what’s your story?” But this is too open-ended for most people and difficult to respond to.

Instead, I’ve learned to construct similar but more specific questions, like: “If you were writing your autobiography and it has 10 chapters, what would be the title of each chapter?”

Questions like this are more fun to answer for the other person, and can easily serve as a starting point for deeper conversations about specific parts of their lives.

Real friends volunteer help

In the video, Justin shares a tweet that really resonated with me: “Fake friends reach out when they need something. Real friends reach out when they think you need something.”

I think this goes both ways. We should strive to be helpful to those we care about. This doesn’t have to be a response to a friend’s public plea for help (these basically never happen). Instead, it’s about connecting with people we care about for no reason other than to catch up with them and ask how they’re doing. Holidays and major life milestones are great opportunities (excuses?) to do this.

These days, I guess I don’t have fake friends. Anyone who doesn’t do the above (or whom I don’t do the above for) I’ve mentally categorized as acquaintances.

Be authentic

Justin’s original point was “be vulnerable”, but I think it goes further than that. Being comfortable enough to talk about our shortcomings and failures with others is an indicator of personal growth and not just a way to win over others.

I think the “friendship version” of being authentic is being honest and straightforward. Real friends deserve to know the truth, delivered in a way that shows you care (and/or communicates that you've been hurt by their actions).

One recent example I have was when one of my best friends started a new venture a few months ago and asked whether he could share my office temporarily. I said, “Of course.” The venture proceeded to grow insanely fast, to the point that they were trying to hire 12 people in one month. Before long, faces I’ve never seen before were parked in our desks. Three huge boxes containing desktop computers were delivered to the office.

I knew it had to stop, because I couldn’t have people I didn’t know at all just running around where I work (we keep sensitive items such as contracts and our company seal in the office). I called my friend and was straight with him. He got the message immediately, apologized, and promised to find a new office for his team within a week (which he delivered on).

Don’t try to change others

Reflecting on the example above, I think there’s a fine line between being honest and trying to change others. The former is necessary for true friendships; the latter leads to unmet expectations and misery.

The only element we can change is ourselves. No one is obligated to change because of us, and it’s wrong for us to expect change in others. When you meet someone for the first time or reach a crossroads when you encounter conflict with a friend, decide for yourself whether you want to continue spending time with them as they are.